We're Going To Have A Baby, Charlie Brown
by J. M. Blockhead
Summary: How will Charlie Brown take it that he's going to be a father?
1. Prologue

We're Going To Have A Baby, Charlie Brown

_By: J. M. Blockhead_

Prologue:

Charlie Brown had always fancied meeting the little red haired girl. Of course he did. It is a common, correct, and credible conception that when a boy is particularly fond of a girl, but has never met her; he often fantasizes about the pleasantries with an oddity of exquisiteness in broad detail. Or, is that just me? But, all in all, through Charlie Brown's many years of a struggle, he not only managed to meet Heather (that was the red-head's name of course) but to date her as well. Charlie Brown and Heather had been steady ever since. It was a beautiful combination of anecdotes, or stories (anecdotes are generally shorter than stories), leading up to Heather's proposal, but I have not the time, nor the energy conceived in my quill, to lay them all out for you. All I can say is this: upon becoming acquainted with Heather, Charlie Brown inadvertently discovered that she was very near close to perfect, not perfect but close to it. Heather was everything one would hope for in a lady: kind, caring, compassionate, forgiving, warm-hearted, affectionate, fun-loving, intelligent, wise, athletic, talented, and capable of speaking so many languages that if I were to state the quantity of it, it would, in turn, arouse a sense of practical and prominent disbelief and, by all the same means and measures, completely ruin the story for you and incompletely spoil my rhetoric or where the two adverbs are reversed and switched around. "Completely," I'm not quite sure if it fits. As I were about to say, Heather was not a carbon-copy of any other member of Charlie Brown's peers, Linus, Schroeder, Peppermint Patty, Marcie, that which he knew. She was more or less the epitome of every last talent, that which they possessed. These semantics do have their elegant distinctions, which one must understand comprehensively in order to dub the girl as _distinctively_ impressive. While Linus was rather gifted in the scriptures, Heather could simultaneously read, memorize, and recite the whole book over again by heart, word for word, paragraph by paragraph (verbatim). While Schroeder was rather elite at playing the piano, Heather could play the Second Hungarian Rhapsody with a certain stimulating and electric jolt of the fingers while they danced at every one of the eighty-eight keys like a rag-tag decet of miniature sugar-plum fairies tap-dancing on the vast floors of a grand ballroom in Tír na nÓg. She could also play the violin and the bagpipes quite skillfully as well. And, while Peppermint Patty was well off at baseball, football, and other sports, and the obvious choice for any team she could get her mitts on, Heather surpassed her in strength, agility, chutzpah, and every such category. Altogether, Heather was, as I say again, very near close to perfect, some of the spectacles that I've illustrated for you which seem ridiculously unbelievable, but not as easily ridiculed as her knowledge of foreign languages. I must revisit the topic, and you must trust me on that. My story (or their story as it were) takes its setting during Charlie Brown's days in high school, his freshman year to be precise, and it bears the apoplexy of a shock that will render you enthralled and keep you that way for the remainder of (with the permission of a fellow author much more known to the world than I) your corroborative "journey from the cradle to the grave". I am all but uncertain that this particular tale will (through the actions and activities illustrated here, though never actually shown) address the pressing issues of birds and bees, and above all demonstrate just the manner of a wonderful lover that which Charlie Brown was, and not your average or ordinary boy.


	2. Chapter I

Chapter I: A Game of Basketball

Ninth grade: and Charlie Brown got his first taste of high school dynamics. The pace in keeping up with the work and his assignments was fairly challenging for him, but Charlie Brown was always open to it. It was not at all challenging for Heather though, and he knew this fervently. Heather had been skipped three grades directly to high school. They wanted to ship her right off to college, but that was precisely where she objected. Heather had enough decency and common sense to know that, had she only been ahead in high school, she'd still obtain the pleasure of meeting Charlie Brown in her senior year. Otherwise, she'd have been required to scurry off to Boston and enter Harvard while remaining at the university for all the years until she could achieve a PhD, which probably wouldn't take long at all. This unintentionally showed up to Linus, who had only been skipped a single grade short of her, previously one grade lower than Charlie Brown and currently one grade ahead of him. Even still, Heather could not bear being away from Charlie Brown for much as a single week or a day for that matter, but during school she was in every gifted class you could imagine and only enjoyed the goodness of sitting with him at lunch, though this was enough for her. Hmm, Linus was in a couple of gifted classes too, though not as many as Heather. Heather was a nice, clean, virginal girl who always did as her elders asked of her save for the times her father constantly ordered her not to maintain a relationship with Charlie Brown taking into consideration the fact the he wasn't Catholic (she was).

But, even still, Heather didn't live with her parents. No, her parents and her older brother Dave, who had been at thirty-three when she herself had been at ten… they had to work to support themselves and pay the bills to their house. Indeed, Heather had been raised by her Uncle Jacob, who wasn't really her uncle at all but a close friend of Dave's. He had raised her to be everything she was today (the time we are addressing), and she also obtained a decent sense of humor from him, much of which was political. She'd watch the show _Politically Incorrect_ with him and laugh with passion at the workings of wit played on the stage of the program. She was obedient too. Once a couple of strangers on the street asked her if she'd be obliged to care for a fag end, and she refused, just as her Uncle Jacob had told her to. But, I've told you enough about Heather to get by. I must go back to the subject of Charlie Brown.

Charlie Brown was now the altitude picture of his teenage years. His voice had turned majestically deep through puberty, and his height sky-rocketed during his growth spurt. The boy was now at six feet four inches and destined, by further growth, to be taller than Abraham Lincoln. Oh, but whoever degraded Charlie Brown with the unliable label of a loser had another thing coming, which was, as an actor once said, for their minds, two things more than they could handle. He was now one of the most attractive young men in school, and young school girls, after so much as a single stare, fainted and swooned beneath his feet before him. His arms were also bulked up at just the proper degree, and he finally got over his self-loathing predicament. He now had a handsome, confident smile, which his female contemporaries found to be breathtaking. It excruciated them that _they_ were not his girlfriend. You could always count on Charlie Brown to win over a lady. With the permission of the great man Dickens, I must quote that "if that's not high praise, tell me higher, and I'll use it". Now, I must begin this shocking and mind-blowing tale.

Once upon a time, Charlie Brown and his friends were busy in the gym, during the intermediate hours of the school-day when there was no work to be done, engaging in a kind and friendly competition of basketball, which was Charlie Brown's specialty sports-wise. They played on teams: Charlie Brown and Schroeder, Linus and Franklin, who to Charlie Brown was another familiar face. Charlie Brown had the ball, and Linus was desperate in attempt to purloin the ball from his hands by means and measures of mere extraction, but Charlie Brown's terpsichorean and syncopated dribbling made this task nearly impossible for him.

"Come on, Linus, work those chicken legs," he said.

This was an all-too-real remark by the way. Linus's legs were slim and slender while Charlie Brown's were nice and bulky like his arms. Charlie Brown possessed the tendency to show off his body all the time. He wore his usual shirt with the sleeves cut off by a pair of scissors (such was his custom) as if they had been torn. No surprises here. Charlie Brown was so strong he could quite easily rip his garments off his body. I wouldn't go so far as to depict the boy's physique as massive though. No, it was slim yet well built with a thick, broad, trimmed chest and the perfect abdomen that gave other boys only the ambition to run right home and do a hundred sit-ups. Charlie Brown also wore red jersey shorts, and he would occasionally jog down the street, or ride his bike down the street, both shirtless. The girls in the neighborhood adored this. They couldn't wait to come out in their bikinis on Saturday mornings pretending to get a tan only to catch of glimpse of Charlie Brown, strolling by, and his sharply toned upper body. On occasions, Charlie Brown would put his arm up and wave to them, and they thought they would probably die. Heather didn't mind this though. She wasn't necessarily the jealous type, but back to the story. Forgive me for my digression. I can assure you that will be the last of all interruptions.

Anyhow, Charlie Brown maneuvered his way around Linus and shot the ball directly into the hoop. All the other boys cheered, came together, and gave double high fives (such was the teenage custom).

"Okay, my ball," said Charlie Brown, and they resumed another play.

Just then Heather entered the gym with three friends, who were known by their names as Sarah, Polynesia, and Beneatha: Sarah (the crabby, rude girl, who was altogether similar to Lucy), Polynesia (the flibbertigibbet who was incapable of any other emotion other than whimsy), and Beneatha (the average-looking girl with the curly hair and the real live wire, who had had a thing for Charlie Brown ever since elementary school). Heather's bracelet that she strung in art class read only one thing: I (Heart) Bill Maher.

"Well, girls, there they are. What do you think?" said Heather.

"That Charlehbrown gets cutah and cutah everihday!" replied Beneatha.

"I think they _all_ look handsome," said Polynesia.

"I used to think he was stupid," answered Sarah, referring to Beneatha's comment regarding Charlie Brown, "but I gotta admit, in that shirt with the sleeves cut off, and those shorts, he looks kind of hot"

They watched again as Charlie Brown owned the other boys by dominating possession of the ball.

"Kind of?" Beneatha gave back, then Charlie Brown made another shot and the ritual started again.

"Heather!" he said out of nowhere finally taking notice of her. He threw her the ball and Heather caught it beautifully. "Come on play with us," he said.

"I haven't played in a long time," was her excuse.

"Come on," said Charlie Brown, "Dave taught you. _Everything_ comes naturally to you."

At this Heather came in, and Linus argued.

"Wait a minute, Charlie Brown," he said, "If Heather's on _your_ team, that leaves us a player short."

Charlie Brown was silent for only half a moment. "Franklin," he said. Franklin looked at him, and Charlie Brown spoke. "Come on, there are three more girls here. You pick a player."

Franklin thought it over then made his choice. "Ah go wit duh soul sister," he said. That was Beneatha.

"All right!" she cheered.

Franklin asked her if she played, and she replied with: "Ah play suhm."

"Polynesia," said Charlie Brown. Polynesia permitted him her attention. "Come on, you're on my team."

"Oh, goodie good-some," was her answer.

Then, of course, there was Sarah. Linus had to argue with her to convince her to play, while her alibi was that she, quote, "sucked at the game". Oh, but Good Old Charlie Brown came to Linus's defense and said: "If you suck at it, then you must like it." This little zinger did not serve as one to go over Sarah's head, as she acquiesced and came to engage.

Before they began to play, Charlie Brown inquired about the score. Linus was their official score-keeper, and he argued that the game was tied at seven to seven, then Charlie Brown had made two shots, which left the score at nine to seven. Honestly now, that was simple enough. You could obviously figure it out easily without straining regardless of how low-grade you had been in arithmetic. They resumed.

The game went on for quite some time until someone could reach twenty-one. Once, while Polynesia had the ball, dribbling it naively (as far as an art would go), Linus stole it from her, and she ran after him, like an amateur, laughing

"Come back here," she said playfully.

But, Linus paid no attention, and he made the basket anyway. But, Charlie Brown never regretted choosing Polynesia. No, he knew that the game was based entirely around the sense of diversion one might get from playing it, and Charlie Brown was definitely diverted. Then, there was, of course, the hilarious moment when Franklin passed the ball to Sarah, and she made no effort to catch it. Instead, the ball reflected off Sarah's hands, and Schroeder obtained it, and Franklin cleanly cursed her out.

"Aw! Sarah! What was dat!" he said, and they kept playing.

Finally, the score was tied again, this time at twenty to twenty. Charlie Brown was dribbling the ball maturely, BUT just as he was about to make his final shot, for the first time in the game, Franklin had ran past him and stolen the ball away. Charlie Brown called out desperately for someone to stop him, but right after Franklin had made a shot at the basket, Heather caught it in mid-air, her back turned to the hoop, and slam-dunked it in. Team Charlie Brown had won the game, and Polynesia could verbalize nothing but "Yeah, yeah" over and over again. Charlie Brown went over thoughtfully to congratulate her, while she was still hanging by her hands and arms from the circular metal frame. Her back was still turned to it, and she asked him if he could help her down.

"Oh, sure," he said and reached one arm around her waist, hugging her body, while he flawlessly maintained Heather's weight in the air, as he lowered her down to the floor.

"Oh, snap! My teachah gonna kill meh!" Franklin exclaimed looking at the clock, "See ya latah; Ah gotta gettah class!"

All the others agreed that it was time to go. They gave their farewells, then scurried off to class.


End file.
